why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Life is so much better after having sex.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Someone came in the potted fern
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
