why didn't you poke me back
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
