Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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