he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
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