I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Did I show you my penis last night?
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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