Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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