i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Randomize
