I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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