I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
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