cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
