I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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