I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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