So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
