Walk of Shame. In a state park.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
