pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
i just made my gag reflex go away.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
