I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
