My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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