Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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