Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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