Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
