last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
