If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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