If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Randomize
