So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
