Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
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