I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
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