Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
