i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Randomize
