i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
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