Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
