I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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