i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
