you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
