To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
