I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
My liver just broke up with me...
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
