When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
