last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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