Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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