turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Randomize
