and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
