You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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