She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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