i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
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