she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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