I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
