my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
