sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
My ATM looks so different sober.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
