it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
