i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Randomize
