Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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