Your dad touched me again.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
