I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Randomize
