Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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